How to Catch a Cat in the Middle of the Night

Many people such as I, may have been awakened in the middle of the night by a howling cat who wants to be fed and refuses to go out.
The first step in this circumstance is NOT to act as if you want to catch him. Any sudden move will send him scampering under the sofa with his claws dug into the carpet. So first, walk calmly in the direction of the cat food. Look where he is in relation to your body and estimate carefully, as you will only have one chance. Then, suddenly, fall on him like a rock, full-body, while at the same time scooping his legs out from under him. (This move may require some practice.)
Grasp him securely, with hands round his legs, and get up to your feet. Walk straight to the door, shift him to one hand (holding him very tightly) and open the door with the other hand. Then grab him firmly around his middle with two hands and throw him as far as you can out the door so he lands on his feet far enough away that he can't run back in before you shut the door.
The last step is to stumble back to your bed and fall in.